My Situation and How I Got Here

Everything has gone full circle for me.

I grew up in a particular hometown in the American midwest, and I had many friends up until I moved in middle school. I've never been especially social but I was amicable and got along well with people despite my social anxiety spiking around middle school. I moved away to a mountainous, countryside region several hours southeast of this town, and there my social life was nearly desolate.

I was new in high school. Everybody had been in that town since elementary school and grew up together. I couldn't fit in with their cliques. I found a group of people I hung out with, and I met some nice people. But I was shy and slightly awkward. I guess everyone was back then but I didn't really start realizing this until sophomore year, when COVID happened.

Honestly COVID was a blessing for me. During the pandemic, I was locked in my house. Not because my family wholeheartedly believed in quarantine, but because everyone did, and so business was limited, nobody was out, and school was out, too. I was provided a school laptop, and teachers struggled but they ultimately did a fine job. I became good at reading textbooks and using the internet as a resource.

But really the blessing was self-discovery. I realized a passion of mine that has carried over since then in nearly the same form which is personal fitness. Specifically, calisthenics has always been my favorite. I did a bit of running too, but I was never any good at it and I was inconsistent, doing 1 mile at most a few times per week. I also got into nutrition and tracking my calories, and I kept this up for hundreds of days straight. I was obsessed.

It was then I had a purpose. I worked out often, especially doing a routine with an online friend of mine whom is now my best friend to this day (he was back then too, but we stopped speaking between 2021-2024 due to a big argument we had). We started with the MARSOC Short Card 3x per week. I stayed consistent with this for the most part, and started seeing results.

Perhaps I was depressed some time before this, but my life steadily improved from there. In junior year, when restrictions were lifted, I was fairly confident, and I had a decent physique for a high schooler. This is one of the major pivot points in my life. After urging from a friend of mine, I would approach a beautiful girl whom I had a crush on in freshman year. I had little interaction with her.

Her name is Jasmine.

I asked if the seat next to her was taken, sat next to her, and got her contact information. We started texting on Snapchat quite regularly. Quite quickly, we'd go from people who took one class together in high school to people who walked in the woods, watched movies online and in person together, and sleep called. Of course we ended up dating after a while. We were each other's firsts in basically everything. And I don't regret it.

I'll be brief, because reliving the happy parts is still painful to this day, and it'll take me some time to recover. The point is these were the four years of my life I had loved deeply, the only time I had true romantic love and affection for anyone. I experienced highs and lows i didn't think I was capable of. I had always been sensitive, but I was also quite stoic and didn't let my emotions show. With her, I felt like they could spill out.

After high school, we moved to Florida together, after a several-month period of long-distance where she was in a state next to mine. We visited each other a few times during this. We moved in together in a little apartment we called our own in a nice area of town.

We spent so many memorable and wonderful times together, often her mom and us going to the mall, or a trip somewhere, like a zoo in Ohio where we'd feed giraffes, Disney or Universal Studios in Orlando, and so many more great times.

Jasmine and I also had fun times just together. Going to the beach (and at night), going out to restaurants, trying new things, and going to probably one of the coolest events we'd seen, Night of Lights at St. Augustine. Twice. These two times probably symbolized both the best and worst core aspects of our relationship. The second time we went, our relationship had already been noticeably deteriorating. But I persisted.

I tried hard. I really did. I can't speak for her, but I'm sure she tried too. I could perhaps blame her for many things but she could also blame me for many things also. It just crumbled. A fundamental breakdown of communication and trust shattered it. I regret many things and I'm sure she does. Admittedly, on rare occasions, half a year later, I still yearn for her. But maybe it's just the memories of what we had before this breakdown occurred. The sunset of our relationship was inevitable.

Drive from Florida to my hometown. A sunset in Tennessee while driving on the highway.

Though I had tried for many weeks during the end of our relationship, I had to end it for good. And so I did. I left for here, which may turn out to be a great mistake or the start of the greatest triumph of my life. Or it was just how it was supposed to pan out from the beginning. I left Florida and I'm now in my hometown. I'm lonely again, despite having friends and being somewhat charismatic in person. I go to work most days, work out, run, and work on my business as well as numerous hobbies. It's a time where I'm spending learning a lot about myself. And it's a time I've spent making this website for people to read and to express myself. Though I'm happy, this is likely the period of night that is soon to follow before the sun rises for me again. I've always loved the stars, anyway.

One of the saving graces is I get to express myself to you this way. And I always have my best friend, who has been with me through the latter of this journey and continues with me to this day. And I thank him deeply with my heart for being there.

Thank you for reading. I love you all <3.